Can it get more coincidental?

No, no improvement.
I’m still confused.

We finally have settled down in our apartment at Lake Como, Italy…and coincidentally, HE IS MY APARTMENT NEIGHBOR which means…we see each other practically from day to night. And also, all four of us walk with each from studio back to the apartment. It’s funny how well we know each other. We’ve gotten even closer during this study abroad trip.

I don’t know what more to do but I’m trying to act myself. I’m trying not to make things too obvious so things don’t get awkward. However, it’s interesting how much know of each other and how we can take care of each other. And whenever we have eye contact, we just don’t need words. It’s like we can read each other’s minds.

Cause I see sparks fly.

Remind me again why I’m such an introvert.

I don’t exactly know why I always put myself out of the crowds. I’m always daydreaming or thinking about my next story line. One of my classmates has already met an Italian boy and is currently in a “relationship” with him, but that’s a different story because “being in a relationship” will end up making you clingy. I don’t want that. I just want to “accidentally” bump into a cute European boy and just prove that not all love stories happen only in movies or books. I already met someone who fits the characteristics of Giacomo (yes, he has the same name too!) from The Juliet Club.

He said that I have five (now four) more months until I get to see him again. But why is that I feel so away from him. The more I am away from him, the more my heart hurts. My head hurts already from thinking too much. I worry so much about people’s health because I was very close to choosing the medicine route. It still tortures me whenever I see kids with a certain kind of illness that affect their future or people who have disabilities that make them work twice as more in the normal daily life. My heart starts to feel woozy and confused because I could be helping them. (yes, I even dreamed about writing a story line about falling in love with a cute guy who was blind. Maybe after watching a movie that was somewhat similar to the concept.) One of my close friends got an eye infection and I just wanted to make things better for her. I knew that she needed to rest so she should do as little as possible. When she went to the hospital, I could not story worrying about her but I knew that she would be okay because the doctor would know what to prescribe to her about they do the check-up. Once I got an update about my friend, my heart felt better and I smiled more. All the worries in my mind cleared up.

Then, I just saw a message that told me to move on. I’m never going to find that perfect person because I keep thinking there is a perfect person for everyone, but it won’t happen to me. How can he wait five months for me – for my return? He’s one of the most outgoing person I’ve ever known, so what if he meets someone else? What if he forgets about me?

And then there’s always that question “if two good friends can just stay friends or if there will ever be feelings developed between them?”. Well, that’s how I’m feeling. So this is how a real crush actually feels – when you see your crush close with some other person…even if they’re just friends…you end up overthinking if that person will ever like you. I keep telling myself that I absolutely cannot develop a crush on my friend, but the more I get to know him or get closer to him, the more I cannot stop myself. He’s one of the few guys that actually knows me well enough…like when some girls were talking about traveling. They suddenly mentioned going to the Carnivale and I turned around. He was right next to me and noticed/was also listening and saw my reaction. He knew that going to the Carnivale was one of things I’ve always wanted to do. Every time he sees the word “princess”, he also tells me. And then whenever I discover a book about palaces, I tell him and he knows. He also turns to me whenever the world “castle” is mentioned. What’s weird and funny is that we met because one of my best high school friend mentioned about him…studying the same major and at the same school. Mutual friend. They go to the same church. Can this world get any smaller?

What am I suppose to do? As each day goes by, I get more confused. I try to act normal and not try to get closer…but every time I see him, my heart starts feeling better. But he close to every other girl in this program. Actually, things have been getting more awkward between us. I don’t know how to act in front of him anymore; before, I could talk to him about anything and not feel anything – just treating him like a brother or good guy friend. Now, things are just…getting much more difficult. But I don’t want anyone to suspect anything is going on..or to know that I kinda like him. Even my mom kept asking me “how come you keep taking so many pictures of Tim and Dennis?” Therefore, I decided to stop taking so many pictures of him unless it’s a candid picture of the group with him noticing my camera and smiling. And I’ll just keep telling myself “he’s just a friend. He’s only a friend. And in five months, everything will return back to normal.”

Yeah right. Like that is going to happen. By the time we arrive in Como, I think my crush on him will develop even more…and it will continue to hurt me…which will make me become even more of an outcast (I do not want to become an outcast. That is not me.) But how can I just stop? He’s one of the nicest guys I have, one of the few guys who actually me…

I’m still standing at the red light. Waiting to hear the truth and to see if I can cross the street. Now every time I listen to songs about waiting for someone or not being able to have that one person/crush, I will end up getting sad…destroying who I really am. Destroying my mood.  Gahhhh, someone save me from this misery.

I cannot believe I typed this much but I really need to pour my feelings out. I actually don’t have anyone to talk to because once I talk to someone, things will spread – those things called rumours. Trust me, I already figure that people talk about everyone behind their backs and I think people talk behind my back. But hey, I have a reason for everything I do.

If I remember correctly.

“I see sparks fly whenever you smile.“

Suddenly, he enters my life again. Two days, I started talking to David online again. It’s been a long time since we’ve have a conversation. Even though it was short because I was about to go to class, he told me that he has an interview with Disney as a financial analyst. Hopefully, he gets the position even though I know he probably won’t choose it if he has other options.

However, that’s the point. The point is that whenever I talk to him, it brings me back memories of our conversations; our deep conversations. I still haven’t met someone else who I’ve had deep conversations with. But even though it may sound sweet, it’s heartbreaking. “I thought I had you figured out. Now I’m haunted.“

I have my story to write now. I feel so much better to just write down all my thoughts into a story instead of keeping it all in my head. I’ll put it into technology when I have time.

Just going with the flow.

I told myself not to make the same mistake twice. Now here I am again…subconsciously pushing him away…but this time, I’m realizing that I am making the same mistake again. Can I stop it before it’s too late?

That just sounded like a summary of a teen romance book. I think I read too much of those.

Saturday night. It was one of the girls from my hs sisterhood’s 21st birthday so a few of us from high school went over to her school to have dinner with some of her college friends too. Her college friends planned a surprise birthday dinner for her. It was so good to see my high school friends. After dinner, we had a kickback at her apartment. I love lounging around. It’s so good just to catch up with old friends and meet new ones.

And then I saw him. That one Bruin who I met over the summer and have been talking to since. He always put me on the spot, making me drink or just asking me “jealous?” whenever he’s playing around with some guys (well, his roommate also asks me that). I don’t like being put on the spot/drinking so much so when he kept doing that, I knew he wasn’t the prince charming.  And I knew I wouldn’t like him. But somehow…this crush just keeps getting bigger. The things we talk about. The things we have in common. It kills me but I didn’t want to show it. I subconsciously play hard to get. But I know I shouldn’t do that anymore because I’m going to lose such an amazing guy. He doesn’t fit all my expectations and I should be fine with that. However, now, I’ve decided to be in the silent treatment stage. Let’s just see how far this friendship goes.

There’s something about growing up.

Wow, I’m sorry I haven’t updated my blog in two months. I promise that I’ll update regularly from now on. I’ve just been busy with my cousin’s wedding, school, and enjoying the baby stages of turning 21.

Two weeks ago, I just turned 21. Many people say that 21 becomes a new chapter in your life. Well, an ending turned into another beginning. Since my birthday, I’ve been able to get closer to my family. I was able to enjoy drinking beer with my uncles, aunts, and parents; able to go out drinking and catching up with all my cousin; and finally having some fun with at my cousin’s wedding and meeting their friends aka bridal party/groomsmen. So why am I still thinking so much?

Over the summer, I met a friend through one of my best friends. Since then, he and I have been talking a lot about traveling. When I started school, we’ve been talking about marriage proposals, traveling, and cooking. There’s a wide-range of topics we can talk about. It’s funny because the one person I never thought I would like ends up being the one person who I have the most in common with. And all my friends knew that somehow, there will something (maybe a spark) between us. But for now, I just want to stay as friends. I’m a Trojan; he’s a Bruin. If his sister becomes a Trojan, I’ll consider him as a romeo. For now, he’s just a prince.

And then my cousin and his new wife asked me so many questions about what I think of my cousin’s groomsman who is now studying grad school at UCLA. He’s mix: half Japanese, half Caucasian. It’s funny because he went to high school with someone I met at my Disney internship. This world is wayyyy to small. Therefore, this guy lives really close to me – practically our cities are neighbors. Too close. But I’m an undergraduate college girl who is leaving for Italy in three months. Let me live my life.

Speaking of Italy, I’ve been enjoying my Italian class! “Buongiorno! Mi chiamo Deborah.” And also, I’ve been learning a lot from my Italy course. Now everyone knows I’m looking forward to visiting palaces and castles. And also literary tour. Let the inner book nerd come out when I’m in Italy.

I’m tired so I’m going to bed. I’ll update more about my life again. It’s great having my parents away because I know they’re enjoying their vacation in New England. They’re have an amazing family reunion. I’m glad to see my dad having so much fun with his family again. It feels good to see all my family relatives together. One big happy family♥

From the heart, not the mind.

“Follow your heart” as they all tell me. But what if my heart tells me to do such a silly thing that embarrasses myself or hurts myself? At the same time, they tell me to “think before do“. So exactly which one do I follow?

Last time I let my head do the thinking, I nearly fainted. I hurt myself because I thought that long distance relationships never work so I never tried it. But here I am, fallen so quickly in love with someone who I just met a month ago. Even though he has almost everything and almost perfect, he’s still not up to the family’s expectations. But what if the heart finally knows that he’s the one?

I keep having reoccurring dreams…the same dream. I was working as an architect/principal architect’s assistant of a big firm. I had gotten really close with my boss and was a babysitter for his daughter. However, when his daughter was five years old, he had a heart attack. Throughout the years that I worked for him, he was writing his will. That year, I was promoted as one of the directors. But during his funeral/aftermath, I was looking for his daughter who didn’t want to come out. I was the only one who she would talk to. I told her that I would never leave her. I was only one she trusted. Throughout my times in New York, I was with a person I met this summer. We both had graduated from Columbia – for me, Master of Architecture; for him, law school. After the funeral, one of the lawyers came to the flat. He told me that the little girl’s father left the house for me – it was under my name until the little girl turned 21. In addition, the little girl was now in my hands. In the end of the meeting, the lawyer handed me a letter that my boss had written me for me. I went into his office, read it, and started crying. Then, my boyfriend came in, comforted me, and told me that we would never be apart and how we were going to handle the situation together, as a family. Then, I woke up. Each night, I have an episode so I wonder what happens tonight.

Bonding quickly.

For the past few weeks since I’ve been at Disney, I’ve gotten to know so many people already. I’m really happy that I’ve opened myself up to non-Architecture and non-USC people because that’s how networking starts. I’ve known people from UCLA to University of Texas Austin, from more Accounting majors to International Development, from people who grew up like me in Los Angeles to people who came from Europe. I’m really proud of myself for being confident enough to actually hang out with a group.

We currently have five interns working in the Corporate Real Estate and Operations departments – the Shorts building. Mostly Melanie, Petar, and I go to the intern events together Lilit is joining in. And then, there’s also the other Corporate interns – the accounting majors who I’ve gotten to know really well. Oh, and that law student who grew up in LA but loves the Midwest.

“I was enchanted to meet you.“
So what exactly is considered a date? If a boy and girl are just going out for dinner? Isn’t that more like hanging out? What is the difference between hanging out and going on a date? I’m more on the ‘hanging out’ side.

Right now, my crush life seems to be turning into a movie. First, I hung out and had dinner with another intern. We got to know each other really well. I don’t think I have talked so much to a person who I just met few weeks go. It’s quite interesting to know that even though we were born and raised in two separate parts of the country, we have a lot in common and have similar experiences/taste. He talked about his family and I do kinda want to meet his family because they sound like interesting people. Even though I always talk to him every night/text each other at least once a night, I only see him as a friend for now or at least just a summer crush. Just something fun for the summer. But every time I see him, he somehow always make me smile. I hope that if I plan to visit Austin (because of Architecture), he’ll be able to take me around.

And then, my lovely childhood crush is coming back into my life after we haven’t talked in a long time. The funny thing is one of his best friends is one of my close friend’s cousins. Small world? Yes. Oh, and this boy’s family comes from Hong Kong and China. At least he’s part Cantonese. I’m planning to ask him to be my escort to my cousin’s wedding because the boys I want to ask to be my date/escort are in school/not in LA.

On the other hand, I get my DSLR Canon 600D this upcoming week! I hope to receive it before I visit the Getty Center (again) so that I can practice taking photoshoots by taking pictures of my fellow intern friends and Richard Meier’s design skills. Great, my friends are going to be questioning me when we visit it next weekend…since I’m the only Architecture major in the group and they all know now that I’m a big design nerd.

Disneyland in August. I think I’m going to have a big group to hang out with by then. I’m satisfied.